A Dog’s Life, Edition 3.0
Hello. I’m Boulder McGraw. Woof!
That’s me in the photo with a Frisbee I caught.
It’s a new game I’m learning – catching Frisbees in midair. It used to be fun, but lately I’ve noticed an alarming trend. At first, I got a dog biscuit every time I caught the Frisbee. Every single time! Sadly, that reward system is in precipitous free fall. Now when I catch it, Daddy just pats me on the head and says, “Good boy.”
Like … big deal. Do you have any idea how hard it is to catch a Frisbee in mid-flight with your teeth? Seriously? You try it sometime. I’m beginning to feel unappreciated.
Meanwhile, on that same subject, this is my third column for the Blade-Empire, and I still haven’t been paid for the first one. No cash, no dog biscuits – nada.
Sorry – I threw in a little Spanish there, and maybe you don’t speak la lingua. A rough translation of nada would be, “big donut with chocolate icing.” And my total remuneration for writing columns would be equal to that hole in the middle. In other words – nada!
I can’t complain though. I have a good life in Kansas.
If you didn’t read my other columns, I was born in Amarillo, Texas. Homeless and poor, Mommy was led astray by a stray mongrel who, despite his mangy appearance, apparently smelled pretty good. After an eight second romantic interlude, he was “outta there,” faster than you can say “Poop!”
No cards, no letters – nothing! What a bum.
His connection with Mommy was like a hit and run – but it weren’t no accident. Mommy had nine puppies in her litter, including me. None of us ever heard from her paramour, but the word on the street was that he also knocked-up a cute little poodle who came from a good home.
Dogs like him give dogs a bad name.
Lesson learned – sometimes love is fleeting.
Again, I apologize for using some Spanish. I was kinda showing off – I’m pretty much bilingual. You learn stuff quickly in Amarillo. I’ll bet you didn’t know dogs in Texas speak differently. A lot of them can’t bark in English.
What’s the translation for “woof” en Español? The Spanish translation would still be woof – but you bark it with a Tex-Mex drawl. As in, “Woooo’uf.”
Not to brag, but I can woof both ways. Sometimes, to shake things up, I bark at a Kansas dog with my Spanish accent. It’s so funny – the other dog just cocks his head at an angle and thinks, “Whoa! This mutt is different. He didn’t grow up on a farm.”
Luckily, I was saved by a rescue agency which put me in a foster home with a nice family that happened to live right behind Daddy in Colorado. Serendipity! I was so small the woman easily passed me across the fence. Daddy was warm and cuddly.
It was puppy love at first sight.
When adopted in June, I was only nine weeks old and weighed 16 lbs. Seven months later, I’m up to 50 lbs. I’m gaining on Daddy.
Daddy thought he was getting a small dog. Boy was HE wrong. One of my siblings had a DNA test done, and they shared the numbers. I’m 60% Pit Bull, 13% Bull Terrier, 10% Rottweiler, and 10% Staffordshire, which is like a bulldog. Dr. Fakler said I’m going to be really powerful when I grow up.
If you do the math, I’m 100% dog.
When I was little, everyone said, “What a cute little puppy.” Not so much anymore.
Everyone thinks Pit Bulls are bad. They’re wrong. It all depends on whether you grow up with a loving family. And I’ll bet it’s like that with real people. The more dog biscuits you get, the more you realize life is good!
I’m not perfect; I still have growing pains. Sometimes I eat things I shouldn’t. Yesterday, I ate the plastic cap off a milk carton I found in a trash can. The next morning? Well, I don’t want to be graphic, but it came out the wrong end … along with my breakfast.
Daddy wasn’t happy, but thankful I missed the new living room rug. Accidents happen – I wasn’t punished. But, cleaning up the mess, Daddy sure grrrrowled a lot. LIKE A DOG! Hahahaha.
Memo to self: no plastic caps on milk cartons.
Well, that’s the poop from me, Boulder McGraw.
Note: R Michael Owens edited this column and translated it from the original Spanish. You may reach Boulder McGraw at: Rmykl@yahoo.com