"Running Commentary"
Dialing 1-800-G-O-D
You’re not happy.
Things on the planet are spinning out of control.
You want to complain – but to whom?
Has to be God, right? He’s in control of the universe. God is all-powerful and all-knowing, but perhaps He’s so busy with other heavenly duties He hasn’t been updated on the chaos down here on Earth.
Hey, nobody’s perfect, right?
Well … actually, God is. But, news of the 2020 Pandemic must have fallen through the cracks upstairs in heaven because every earthly being down below is halfway to hell in a handbasket and will complete the destination if something isn’t done quickly to get things back on track.
Remember January after the holidays? Sooo peaceful. It was as if you were easily driving down the Interstate on cruise control, pushing 80 mph. When February crash-landed, you jammed the brakes, lest you slam into those horrible orange highway construction signs – “Pandemic Ahead. Please slow to 3 mph. Violators will be fined double and test positive for Coronavirus.”
Jeez, bleepin’ Louise!
Today, six months down the pandemic Interstate, we’re still stuck in first gear and can’t seem to go any faster. We haven’t tried reverse gear yet, but frankly – that might not be a bad idea. If only we could put our lives in reverse and go back to December when the world seemed rather tranquil by comparison.
But, let’s get back to your complaint. You sit down, pen and paper in hand, and begin to make a list of everything you wish to complain about. And right at the top, you start with the vilest, ugliest common noun in the English language dictionary – masks!
Masks are the biggest pain in your caboose since childbirth. You can’t go into Walmart without one, and you can’t shop leisurely anywhere else for fear of gagging and suffocating. You have lived an honorable life and everyone believes you’re a good person. Masks are for bad people – not you.
Moreover, you checked the Constitution and there’s nothing in there that says you have to wear one. Take THAT, all you left-leaning, commie-loving Demo-CRATS!
What else to complain about? Well, how about the economy? As recently as January, you were feeling good about retirement. But now, your investment portfolio is sinking faster than the Titanic.
You add “Economy” to your list.
There are plenty of other things to complain about, but you’re eager to get started; so you go online and search Google for a direct link to God. Ahah! You found it! – a number for Customer Service in heaven: 1-800-G-O-D.
You call the number and the phone rings for what seems like an eternity. Things move a little slower in heaven because – well, think about it. What’s the friggin’ rush? Everyone up in heaven is “simpatico” and feeling pretty good about things.
Which is to say, everyone up there didn’t live through this hell. They’ve already made it into the exclusive club – heaven! Where health spas are plentiful, foot massages and margaritas are free … and you can eat all the donuts you can consume in one sitting – which for some people is a whole lotta donuts!
The phone continues to ring. Finally, someone answers … and, Oh no! It’s a recording.
“Thank you for calling our heavenly Customer Service hotline. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to the following as our menu options may have changed since Jesus died …”
“If you are calling about tonight’s “almost live” performance on Cloud 8542, featuring Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr., please press 1.
“If you wish to send a subliminal message to a loved-one on Earth, press 2.
“If you wish to send a subliminal message to someone you didn’t like, please press 3.
“If your Guardian Angel is indisposed, and you are in need of immediate assistance, press 4.
“If you are currently residing in North Central Kansas and wish to complain about significant loss of blood from aggressive, Kamikaze-like mosquitoes, please hang up and call your local pest control. God suffers enough with sinning on Earth than to be bothered with pesky insects.
“If you aren’t dead yet but feel like you’re getting close, or if you wish to complain about some aspect of Covid-19 affecting your life on Earth, please press 5.
You press 5 … “Thank you for calling heaven. Your complaints are very important to us and an angel will be with you momentarily; however, due to heavy volume, your wait time is approximately six years.”
You wait … and wait … and wait.
A harp plays softly while you’re on hold, and you realize you’re familiar with the tune – “It’s A Wonderful World.” Eventually, frustrated with heavenly red tape, you slam down the phone, furious that nobody seems to care about your screwed-up terrible life wearing a mask.
BUT THEN … it’s FRIDAY. You open your afternoon paper with great anticipation and turn to Page 2 to see what that rascally columnist – the father of Boulder McGraw – has to say about the muck and the mess everyone is trying to negotiate.
But alas, Mr. Owens has taken a leave of absence. He is almost totally drained of red blood cells from mosquito bites. He also would like to complain but can’t. He’s too weak to write.
And too busy scratching.
Take heart, my friends. We’re all in the same leaky canoe. See you in the newspaper – next week!
Editor’s Note: Michael’s column today was intended as a humorous poke at the crazy world we’ve been living in. Michael hopes readers “get” the sarcasm in today’s column. He is IN FAVOR of wearing masks in public places ... and never met a Demo-CRAT he didn’t like (hint, hint).