"Running Commentary"
Remedial Weather
Welcome!
Welcome to the Remedial Weather class.
Everyone knows why you’re here – you failed Weather 101. Think of this remedial class as “Weather For Dummies.” It’s my job to bring everyone “up to snuff,” so you can move on to Weather 102. Obviously, your passing this class is a prerequisite for your advancement.
As we go along, I will ask some basic questions most of you failed to answer correctly last term. Easy questions -- as if I’m lobbing up a softball for you to hit out of the park. Hit the ball and you’ll go far in the weather business. Answer these simple questions correctly, and you can have the word “remedial” removed from your official transcript.
I don’t care how handsome or pretty you are. You’re never going to get a job as a weather forecaster if the TV station finds out you failed remedial weather. Any questions?
Yes, in the back row. Joey? You have a question?
You want to know if this class is something like probation? Good question. No! It’s more like you’re in jail, Joey – the weather hoosegow. Understand? The slammer! And in this class, unlike Monopoly, there is no Get Out Of Jail card. If you want to continue matriculating toward a degree in meteorology, you must pass this basic class. So, please pay attention.
For starters, this past week we hit a rather significant day, weather-wise – September 22nd. Would anyone care to guess the significance of that day? Yes, in the back. Melissa?
Did everyone hear? Melissa said it was the solstice.
Nice try Melissa, but wrong. September 22nd was the Autumnal Equinox, officially ending summer and beginning the fall season. It’s one of two days each year – the Vernal Equinox is the other – when there is exactly the same amount of light and darkness outside.
In Autumn, the days get progressively shorter. In the spring, after the Vernal Equinox, the days get progressively longer. But Melissa raised another important word everyone in this class should know – the solstice. Would anyone like to guess the two days we call the solstice? Yes, in the front row – Jimmy?
Very good, Jimmy. You are correct. The winter solstice occurs on December 21st, and the summer solstice on June 21st. The winter solstice marks the shortest day of the year, while the summer solstice in June is the longest, with the most light.
Some of the brighter lightbulbs in this class will notice a pattern – the equinox and solstice are exactly three months apart. The months of alternating equinox and solstice go like this: September, December, March and June. Moreover, the days are almost always on the 21st or 22nd, like this month. Each event signifies a changing of the seasons on Earth.
My favorite day of the year is the winter solstice on December 21st. Why? Because it marks the change when the days get longer. At first, the change is imperceptible, but each day after the solstice is a little bit brighter.
Amazingly, even in prehistoric times, different cultures understood the significance of weather changes and the solstice. For example, Stonehenge in England was constructed around 2,500 B.C., and the 13 ft. high stones were precisely aligned to the sunset of the winter solstice and the opposing sunrise of the summer solstice.
Now students, this won’t be on your final examination; however, I like to retell the story about my second marriage. Our wedding took place on June 21st, the very day of the Summer Solstice in 2013. And throughout our marriage I liked to joke to anyone who would listen that every day after the wedding got progressively darker.
Get it? That was a joke. Anyone see the humor?
Well, anyway – that joke also happened to be true due to the timing of the summer solstice. However, six years later the joke was on me because we got a divorce. But I’m pleased to say, afterward, the days did indeed get brighter – and it had nothing to do with the solstice.
Wow. What a relief, to be free again.
Was my marriage a disaster? No, we had far more good days than bad; however, the divorce itself was a minor catastrophe. Let me tell you something – my ex-wife hired a hotshot lawyer in Omaha, and I ended up representing myself. Again, this isn’t part of your exam, but it’s something every weather forecaster should know – a lawyer who represents himself is said to have a fool for a client.
Was I a fool? HELL NO! I knew exactly what I was doing. I didn’t care about splitting joint marital assets. I didn’t care about the money. DAMN IT! I just wanted to get the divorce over as quickly and painlessly as possible. And, uh … uh … and …
I seem to have gotten off the subject.
Where were we? Oh, yes, the weather!
Whew. Sorry about that. One final question – what is the significance of September 25th? Anyone? Melissa, you want to try again?
Correct, Melissa. Tomorrow – September 25th – is the day of the annual Fall Festival in Concordia. That’s right – the big day is here. The city has planned an exciting day of events, concluding with the big Airshow at Blosser Municipal Airport. I hope everyone will attend.
Class dismissed.
Note: The author’s use of two expletives in this column does not represent the high journalistic standards we value at the Blade-Empire. We apologize to any readers who are offended.